Where do I begin today, I have so many things floating around in my head. I just finished reading the book the “Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch and I was in tears by the end of the book. I really enjoyed everything he had to say about his life and all the simple life lessons he has learned. What stood out to me the most in the book, was when he talked about how his wife was coping with the diagnosis. She stopped nagging over the stupid things like cleaning his plate after dinner because in the grand scheme of things, they don’t really matter at all. It made me think a lot about how people ironically start deciding what’s important in life, when they are given a life sentence. It made me think we should be doing those things now, creating those lasting memories now with our family and friends, instead of waiting until we have a few months to live. One of the biggest points he makes is to follow your childhood dreams. It made me ask myself what were my childhood dreams? They haven’t changed much in actuality, when I was a kid I wanted to be everything, but mainly my answer to my grandma was always a veterinarian. I considered so much about what I wanted to be as an adult and now that I am one, I have no clue what to do because I am still wanting to be everything. My main numero uno dream is to work with art, explain art, teach art, talk to people about art, help people understand it, discover new talent. If I could wake up every day and be an art professor that would be ideal. Now how the hell do I do this?
I feel so stifled with this dream. For one I tried finding museum jobs when I first graduated from college. Nothing I could not get anything, I could barely find a volunteer position. I volunteered at a museum of mod art downtown and that was it, I really needed to find a job where I could make money. So I did, I worked boring jobs, sat in a cube, then decided I had to grow up and get a career, so I landed a position to get my teacher’s credentials for ESL. They would pay for my schooling, give me hands-on experience to become a teacher, and eventually give me my own classroom. I got through most of it, did all the necessary damn tests, did the training, learned how to become a teacher, was about to sign the contract and didn’t get it. I wasn’t allowed to move forward because I didn’t complete one single portion of this stupid 3 part test. I was told by the director I could finish it when school was in session, perfect I thought that gives me more time to study. Then he QUIT and everything he had told us didn’t matter, it was not true, the portion had to be finished before school started. So there I was that day, told I could do it next year, I was in tears, a wreck, no job, nothing. I had quit my previous job for this crap. I was at a crossroads and I decided not go back. I subbed for a year and that was the end of that teaching career. All along, I knew it wasn’t for me though, I had these unsettling feelings that this just wasn’t for me. The whole time I was there it felt like a sham, this wasn’t my passion, in fact it was boring. The students and teaching aspect were VERY VERY rewarding, some of the most memorable moments of my life came from that, but in reality teaching at an elementary school was not my dream or passion.
I decided to go back to school, get my master’s in rhetoric and writing, specialize in technical writing and wah-lah I figured I’d get a job as a technical writer and life would be okay. Again, not a passion, but I felt like I had to be something. What I originally had signed up for was a master’s in English to eventually become a professor. Now that would’ve been nice, but still I felt like I was just going along and that becoming a professor would just mean more years of being a broke college student. I really at this point was tired of making no money. Now here I am I got my degree, got an internship at a great computer company, and am doing absolutely nothing with my degree. What gives and here I am still trying to decide what to do with my life. I just can’t seem to figure it out.
Funny thing is I dreamt I was stuck at a train station last night and this what it supposedly means. Funny isn’t it.
Train Station
To dream that you at a train station, represents a transitional period in your life. You need to take a short break to reassess your situation and determine your path and goals.
No comments:
Post a Comment